Fear or Faith?
Today, I’m focusing on fear and where it’s shown up in some of the biggest moments of my life and how going to faith has helped me through them.
About 27 years ago one time I thought I was pregnant. Back in those days you had to go to the doctor and pee in a cup for them to do the test. When the doctor saw my urine, she told me she was very concerned because there was blood in it. She recommended I see a kidney specialist. I blew it off. But she called me a few days later to follow up and when she found I hadn’t made the call, let me know this wasn’t anything to brush away.
So I made the call. My first visit with Dr. Paul Mennes was on 1/31/98. He scheduled a kidney biopsy which would let him know if there was something going on with my kidney. I was a skinny little 29 year old and they had a hard time getting a sample. They had to insert a hollow needle like thing through my back and into my kidney. And several times. They said I’d be out the next day. Whoo boy it hurt so bad I was in 2 or 3 days I think!
The doctor told me I had a kidney disease called Berger’s Syndrome.
He put me on some blood pressure medicine and told me I needed to come in and see him every 3 or 4 months. I paid all of this no mind. For 7 years I made the perfunctory visits and he’d poke and prod on me and tell me everything was fine.
In January of 1995 I started feeling odd. Couldn’t put my finger on it. In April, I figured out why. In a routine visit with Dr. Mennes I learned my kidneys had failed. FAILED!!!!! What????????? I will write another blog about how it all came to pass, but in the end, my sister donated her kidney and I had a transplant on July 14, 1995.
Having just had a kidney transplant, I decided to transform my life. I quit my job at the modeling agency where I’d worked for 6 years. I had no money coming in, so I got food stamps. I got some temp jobs to see what kind of work was out there. I went after a job I thought I really wanted that I was pretty sure I was going to get but didn’t.
Then 4 days before Christmas in 1995, I got a call from the temp agency asking if I wanted to go to work at Purina for 2 weeks? I immediately said, “No, I don’t know what they do there.” But at the same time I thought, “Hey this came into my life for a reason!” So I took it. 20 years later, it has been more than I could have ever hoped for. And when I’m recounting my life experiences to others, I always say that if I hadn’t had the kidney transplant I wouldn’t have ever gotten the job there.
In April 2006, I found out that my husband wanted a divorce. Even in the throes of the initial shock, I was able to say to him that I knew I would thank him one day. I got a piece of art shortly after that about Faith and how having it will give you something solid to stand on or the ability to fly. I decided I’d fly. That, although painful, as I dealt with huge abandonment issues, I nurtured myself along and ultimately I’d say I’m flying!!
After all I got to meet Henry, right??
Tomorrow, Monday, January 11th, I’m going to have another kidney biopsy. There’s some evidence that my kidney function is declining. Is it going to hurt like it did all those years ago? Will I be in and out or will I be in the hospital for days? I’m not sure…What are they going to find? Will they tell me my body is finally rejecting my kidney after all these years? Will they tell me my the kidney disease is back? Will they find something else? It seems bleak and scary. There’s definitely been some fear around this.
For the last year or so, I’ve been denying this. To me, it’s felt like failure. Like I would let my sister down, the same sister who gave me her kidney. I felt like I hadn’t cherished my kidney enough. I felt like I hadn’t tried hard enough to keep it in perfect health. I’ve gotten acupuncture, reflexology, I’ve done sweat detoxes, I’ve taken supplements, I’ve done affirmations, I’ve listened to healing meditations and I’ve completely changed my diet.
Last week, however, I had an epiphany and decided to let go of the fight. What was I fighting after all? What was I trying to control? What am I afraid of? I am not a failure! I decided to embrace everything that’s happening rather than deny it. And go with Faith.
For there are two things I know.
- I was transformed by my kidney transplant 20 years ago.
- And we’re on the Universe’s timing.
When Henry and I planned our wedding in only 2 weeks, I stood in the absolute certainty that everything would work out perfectly. Nothing swayed me from that belief. Not even when, with only 2 days to go, we had to change locations! I was peaceful every minute of those two weeks. Others around me marveled at my composure.
Trust in the perfect timing of the Universe
“By letting go it all gets done. The world is won by those that let go, but when you try and try, the world is beyond winning ” – Lao Tzu
I’m tapping into that same certainty now. Why waste one moment on fear when I can tap into my faith in the Universe’s energy, which surrounds us all in every moment, and feel absolute certainty that everything will work out EXACTLY like it’s supposed to!!
I can remember vividly how sick I got 20 years ago right before my transplant. I am starting to feel changes in my body that I remember from before, an inability to digest food very well. I’m not very hungry. My ankles are swelling due to the “heaviness” of the unfiltered blood. My ears are ringing. And where I would have watched in horror even a week ago, I’m now embracing the experience.
If you haven’t seen Jill Bolte Taylor’s TED Talk, “My Stroke of Insight”, you should watch it. Or read her book. She’s my real inspiration in this. She knew she was having a stroke and marveled at each moment of it even as she lost the ability to move half her body or even speak.
I have an opportunity to embrace this experience and trust in the timing of the Universe. Everything will work out perfectly.
And who knows! Henry has O+ blood type, the universal donor. Maybe I didn’t just meet him by a random text to find my soulmate, maybe there will be more to our story than we ever thought!
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