Real life is when you fight (and what I’m doing about it)
I’ve got a goal to publish a blog post every Sunday. I asked a woman at work who used to be a professional cat blogger how to be successful with this blog. She told me two things. To write consistently about real life and never give up. So Sunday is my blog day. Over the last several months I’ve been so reactive and just written about what’s going on. The other day Henry and I wrote a list of things we wanted to do for the blog to be strategic.
This isn’t going to support any strategy. It’s totally about what happened today.
True to form of being totally transparent, we got in a fight this morning and even though I tried really super hard to stay centered and be loving and supportive of Henry I actually pretty much lost it and left the house while he was in the shower. I went over to some friend’s house to watch football and get some emailing done that I needed to do. And I came home at half time and he hasn’t talked to me since.
So I’m feeling all kinds of things. I want to get mad at him and go into the goal of revenge but that’s what I used to do and I’m working SO hard on changing. I want to fall into a power struggle with him and demand that he turn down the TV right now. I want to ignore him now and act like I don’t care. But I DO care.
And so what I’m doing right now as I write this is I’m tapping into my feelings. It’s what our coach Judy would tell me to do. I’m feeling sad and abandoned. Because when I was little my parents would disappear emotionally from me. So having someone shut down on me is the most horrific thing that can happen to me. I feel like that little girl who would do ANYTHING to get her parents to notice her.
Triggers are interesting things. They come from the part of our brain commonly called the “lizard brain.” It’s the part of our brain which has not evolved over thousands of years. So when that part of the brain that feels the emotions set in place during childhood, the brain doesn’t know I’m 56, it just knows something happened that feels like it used to when I was small.
It takes considerable presence and self awareness and self love to become the “Observer” and watch the pain, feel it in the present and honor the inner child…the one Judy describes as bleeding on the sidewalk. To stop and sit down with my little “me” and love her and comfort her.
The most important thing to do is not act on the pain. Well, I did earlier because I was feeling all righteous and angry and I wanted to punish Henry for what felt like being mean to me. So I guess he gets to feel righteous and angry and want to punish me for walking out on him.
But now. Now I will feel so sad. As Judy would say, it makes sense Ii would feel so sad right now. I had a history of being shut out (in reality, my parents were just dealing with their own inner pain and didn’t ever have any idea that going inside themselves felt like terrifying abandonment to me) So I am in my favorite chair listening to some healing music with binaural beats for removing subconscious blockages (How’s that for intentional?) and writing.
I’m glad I’ve got this blog. I can’t write in a journal to save my life but I can write here. And I think this will help me heal and grow more than almost anything I will do in my life…besides the intense work we’re doing with Judy of course.
So I honor little Kasey. And by writing this I’m sitting down with her and stroking her hair and saying gosh it was sad back then wasn’t it? But I”m here now to help you through those old moments and to be the grown up and help you feel safe and loved.
And then of course the greatest thing I can do is recognize that Henry is also feeling huge pain and although it looks like something scary to my inner child, he just wants love in the end too. And I DO love him so. And God brought us together so we can relive our childhoods in a new and healing way and trigger each other and grow in love. (But believe me, I’m still human and this is tough stuff!!)